Hello, hello! Welcome back. Today, we are looking at my own games, and frankly, I need a lie down in a dark room. We are analysing my recent matches against Chess.com’s 1300 rated bot, Nelson. The digital equivalent of a bloke who starts a pub fight by throwing a plastic stool. And it turns out I am exceptionally good at making a computer look like a tactical genius.
Let’s look at the damage.
Game 1: The Scandinavian Slog
I start off perfectly normal. Nelson opens with e4, and I choose the Scandinavian Defence.
Completely standard. Very academic. But Nelson doesn’t read books. Nelson brings his Queen out on move two because he lacks basic boundaries. I respond by developing my knight and kicking her.
He retreats, and I immediately hit her again with my bishop.
At this stage of the game, I am essentially Magnus Carlsen with a slight internet delay. I am punishing his early Queen development, everything is fine, and I feel nothing but professional calm.
Then, the wheels fall off. I try to solidify my position in the centre.
This move has the structural integrity of a wet paper towel. Nelson spots a loose pawn on d5 and just takes it. The bleeding has started.
Eventually, I manage to force a Queen trade to stop his nonsense.
Excellent. The menace is gone. I am safe. Except Nelson doesn’t actually need his Queen to ruin my day. He turns into a clinical, cold blooded endgame grinder, slowly picks off my remaining pieces, corners my King, and delivers a deeply embarrassing checkmate.
Brilliant. Moving on.
Game 2: The Ultimate Bottle Job
If Game 1 was a slow, agonizing tactical defeat, Game 2 is a tragedy in one act.
We get the exact same opening, but this time I am sharper. I capture his centre pawn.
Perfect. Punching him right in the mouth. He moves his Queen around aimlessly and lands on e5 on move 5. His Queen is completely stranded in the middle of the board, looking like a bloke who missed the last train home from Glasgow Central. She is begging to be punished.
And then, I play this.
Just stare at it. Savour it. I didn’t just hang my Queen; I practically gift wrapped her, attached a nice little bow, and wrote a handwritten apology note. I put my Queen directly in the path of his. He doesn’t even say thank you; he just takes her on move 6.
From this point, the game is just pure cyber bullying. I spend the next twenty moves running around the board like a headless chicken. I try to make a break for it with my King.
There is no escape. My King is completely isolated, out of options, and Nelson puts me out of my misery on move 28.
The Verdict
What have we learned?
- Do not play chess at 12:00 AM: Your eyes will stop working, and you will give away your pieces for free.
- Nelson is a fraud: He only wins because I am a generous giver.
Keep your chin up, watch those hanging pieces, and next time, we send this bot straight back to the scrapyard.
Cheerio.
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