I recently sat down to review the new Chess.com Woods event for the website, fully expecting a nice, peaceful stroll through the digital forest. Instead, I submersed myself into a psychological horror film. After playing through the entire gauntlet of these new outdoor bots, I can safely say the things I witnessed on the board will haunt me forever. Consequently, if you want to know the absolute truth about this event, here’s my definitive, game by game breakdown of what happens when an 800 Elo human enters the wilderness.
Game 1: The Birder (300 Elo)
The Incident
To begin with, we start with a 300 Elo bot that literally cannot stop squawking about binoculars and ducks. Naturally, you would think an 800 Elo player would absolutely dismantle this feathered fraud. In fact, for 34 moves, I did exactly that.
Specifically, The Birder spent the opening hanging pieces left, right, and center. First, I happily ate the knight. Next, I snatched the bishop, which was followed by me vacuuming up both rooks. Eventually, I even promoted to a second Queen. At this point, I was up roughly 35 points of material, and White’s king was completely trapped on c2, stripped of its dignity and its army. And then… I played a move so profoundly criminal it should be punishable by law.
Instead of delivering one of the four hundred available checkmates on the board, I blundered with 35… Nxc4, taking a completely irrelevant pawn and stripping the White king of its last legal escape squares.
The Verdict: A heartbreaking stalemate against a 300 Elo bot. Therefore, if your opponent has absolutely nothing left, EVERY MOVE MUST BE A CHECK. Otherwise, you end up drawing a bot that thinks it’s a pigeon.
Game 2: The Hiker (600 Elo)
Lightning Strikes Twice
Moreover, if you thought the first game was a fluke, welcome to Game 2 against The Hiker, a 600 Elo bot fueled entirely by GORP and lucky pinecones. Once again, the game was an absolute slaughter.
During the match, I navigated the tactical trail perfectly by winning a queen early, gobbling up pawns, and successfully promoting a pawn into a second Queen on move 40. Furthermore, my board state featured a rook, two queens, and a king completely surrounding White’s isolated king on b2. And then, history tragically repeated itself.
Unbelievably, I played 41… Qc4 with absolutely no check involved. Instead, it was just a casual positioning move that completely suffocated the white king, leaving it with zero legal moves.
The Verdict: Another brutal stalemate. Imagine being up an astronomical amount of material two games in a row, only to give a 600 Elo hiker a “dandy draw.” Seriously, someone take my chess license away.
Game 3: The Girl Scout (900 Elo)
Finally, Some Good Food
Thankfully, by Game 3, I finally remembered how the pieces move. For context, The Girl Scout is a 900 Elo bot that plays aggressively because she claims to be starving in the woods.
Naturally, this game was completely chaotic. Although she traded off her pieces with reckless abandon, her lack of survival skills eventually caught up to her on the board. In response, I marched my a-pawn and b-pawn down the board like a disciplined troop, successfully promoted to multiple queens, and avoided the stalemate curse.
Ultimately, I delivered a clean checkmate with 57… Qbd3#, completely shutting down her camp.
The Verdict: This was a solid win against a tough intermediate bot with zero stalemates this time. Granted, she offered me smoked bark after the game, but I think I’ll stick to regular food.
Game 4: The Bear (1250 Elo)
Welcome to the Russian School of Chess
Moving onward, next up was The Bear, a 1250 Elo beast that spent the entire game telling me I was lunch. Honestly, this guy must be related to that legendary Soviet cousin who studied at the Russian School of Chess, because his endgame technique was utterly merciless. In fact, he doesn’t just play chess; he specializes in Russian School of Chess style endgames where you are slowly, systematically suffocated. Consequently, the bot completely outplayed me, anchored his pieces, and locked my king in a horrific mating net.
With absolute precision, he delivered 28. Re7#, sending me straight to the food chain.
The Verdict: I lost to a literal mammal. To be completely honest, the rage completely took over after this game. Instead of just closing the tab, I stood up, ripped my mouse out of the USB port, and threw it clean across the room. Indeed, I almost packed a bag to go into the actual woods just to find a real bear and demand a rematch. This was pure, unadulterated tilt.
Game 5: The Park Ranger (1800 Elo)
The Boss Fight
Finally, the ultimate boss of the woods is The Park Ranger, an 1800 Elo master of the digital ecosystem. Clearly, this bot does not mess around, nor does it care about your feelings, your rating, or your survival guides.
Although I tried to keep it competitive, a massive blunder on move 5 where I completely hung my Queen (5… Qe5?? allowing 6. Nxe5) meant the game was essentially over. As a result, The Ranger treated my pieces like an invasive species and completely wiped them off the map.
Mercilessly, the game ended on move 24 with 24. Rc7#.
The Verdict: This was an absolute clinic. In short, don’t hang your queen on move 5 against an 1800 unless you want to be turned into a cautionary tale on a trailhead sign.
Final Verdict
In conclusion, the Chess.com Woods event is a fantastic, thematic addition to the bot lineup, ranging from hilarious 300 Elo bird watchers to ruthless 1800 Elo rangers. However, my personal performance was a literal tragedy. Specifically, it featured two stalemates while up a combined 70 points of material, one win, a rage inducing mauling by a bear, and a swift execution by a park ranger. So, go play the event, watch your stalemates, and whatever you do, keep your keyboard secured to your desk when you play the bear.
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